of two minds

so i titled this entry "of two minds" knowing full well that for my kids, that would be opening myself up to quips and ridicule - smart remarks about how well my mind works at the best of times - but it is an apt title.

i have been trying to define my emotions to myself - about all the changes that have gone on in my life over the past summer - and i can't pin them down.

as an example - a good change is that all my SIX kids have now completed at least one college degree. i am thrilled - i am relieved and happy for them all - and yet i miss seeing them in my building. i ridiculously miss the late nights that i worked while keeping Nick company as he jammed two weeks worth of homework into a few LONG, LONG nights. i miss Katie stopping by when she would come by to pick up Rick or visit him between classes. it has been longer since Molly regularly was on campus, but it sure was fun when she worked down the hall. Cheryl's office has not been the same to me since Molly graduated.

was i an extremely lucky person to have all my kids around me for so long? YES!!!!!!!

since graduation, Katie and Rick moved and the easy stop by their apartment to see Reagan has ended. No more babysitting - and I really miss that. I even miss Katie chewing me out for leaving phone messages (i don't do that anymore). But they moved for a good reason - a wonderful new job that Rick wanted! They are buying a house - a great thing. So I am happy and sad too. I know this is a good step and they aren't going to be THAT far away, but it feels so different.

The same is true for Nick, Allison and the girls. I am so excited that Nick has gone on to a program he is thrilled to be a part of. I am happy that they found a wonderful place to live and that it is already beginning to feel like home. It is an amazing opportunity for them as a family - they will experience tons of new things - both good and bad - and grow through it all. The girls already like the new apartment. But when Nick talked about how St. Louis already felt like home, and how much he loved it there, I still had a little ache inside that no longer were we home.

and last, I am hoping and praying for the perfect FULL TIME job to happen for Bob. I am proud of how diligently he has worked towards his career, and I want him to also get the job he wants and deserves, but worry that it will be also away from here. Then we will have to struggle to be happy for yet another event that tears away at our life patterns.

so do I seem like i don't like change? honestly that is not it. I do like change ... in almost any other aspect of my life. why does it bother me? because i look at my own experience with my own immediate family. my parents and brothers moved away. do we still love each other - i would say yes, at least from my perspective, but are we as close as we could have been? no. are my kids as close to their cousins as they could have been? no, I don't think so. And i see that proximity does impact a lot.

will i let this bother me for long? i sure hope not. but i will be putting a lot of miles on my van.